The older I get the faster it seems that time passes me by. Today
is a really good example of how when I woke up I had the energy and the urge to
accomplish a lot of things today. And then as the day wore on I had feelings of
anxiety and worry that started to derail me. It's not an uncommon thing that
happens to me, but it is annoying. I can remember a time when I didn't think
about my mental health as much. It truly was ignorance is bliss. The one
failing that I can find, at least in my case, is that when I started going to
therapy, and now participating in this coaching class, I feel like I've become
almost hyper aware and yet at the same time numb to things in my day.
Part of me thinks that as I'm getting older I'm becoming
more forgetful, and that's true. I'm finding myself thinking more about the
actions I take both big and small. It's a precious action that I've started to
really appreciate more. I spent so many years rushing towards the destination
of nowhere in particular, just somewhere, anywhere, over and over again. I gained
a lot of insight over the last few years, especially since covid had us locked
down. There are times when it doesn't even seem like that was a moment in my
reality. I've spoken about this before in videos and in past blog entries, but
having worked at a museum with a small group of people during lockdown made my
experience very odd. I was simultaneously out in a world working in a building
that would attract hundreds if not thousands of people over the course of a
week, but it then stood fairly empty. Just a handful of us doing rounds,
interacting, and biding our time.
I feel safe enough to admit that even after all that time
that is passed, there is a part of me that still feels vacant. There are people
I talk to that would just soon forget the whole thing happened, they want to
forget how much living was lost for the better part of a year.
I'm remembering those days because there are moments today
that I still feel the isolation and feeling that whatever norms we once had,
became inextricably changed forever. It's the closest sort of approximation I
have to define the thoughts in my head.
New habits formed for me. I became more aware and wary
around large groups of people. I finally became comfortable enough to be able
to attend shows and be around people in general. But there was still a twinge
of something, something I had not been able to really give a name to, that
lingered in my mind.
And only recently have I been able to overcome and
understand what it was.
It wasn't depression. It's not avoidance. It's a newfound sense
of self-awareness. One that for the better part of my life, I thought I was
fully armed with.
Every morning that I wake up, I give myself a few minutes to
practice mindfulness, and give appreciation for the good things that are a part
of my life. I give thanks that I woke up in the morning, that I have a roof over my head, and all the other
myriad parts of my life that I am very grateful for.
For a few weeks I kept asking myself why I didn't want to
take the time to update my blog. A partially true answer would be that I burned
out pretty rapidly chronicling so many shows last year. In fact there is still
three or four blog entries I've not completed. I'm actively working to inspire
myself to complete those, at least for posterity. A completely true answer is
that I genuinely felt like I didn't have much to say. This has been the same
for a lot of my other outlets for posting media and images. Somewhere after
February I hit a wall creatively and emotionally. I was once again back in the
mindset of “is this what I want to do? Am I still happy? Do I still want to be
an illustrator or whatever it is I'm attempting to be?”
If you've followed this blog you know that this is familiar
territory that I had covered at least twice before. This time, the observation
and thoughts are accompanied by something I hadn't really considered prior. In
connection to this thought, I've had friends recently that have suffered from a
few sicknesses and ailments, which reminded me of the fragility of human health
and well-being. Since the beginning of the year I've also had a few
acquaintances and friends pass on.
Some years back I had a teacher that helped me overcome the
social anxiety I had. They had mentioned that life was like a play. There is a
stage that the main character lives their life out on. And a spectrum of
characters wander in and out of eyesight as the performance goes onward. That
our lives consist effectively of three acts.
The first act is filled with the buoyancy of learning and
gaining knowledge, discoveries we make within and without others, And the
feeling that a journey has just begun.
Act 2 brings about challenges, obstacles, and a different
light with which to view the familiar and the new. Responsibilities and the
desire to fulfill dreams from our youth begin to formulate who we want to
become. It is also a time when the companions of heartbreak, our first sorrows,
and the first moments of unease and tinges of fear apply for apartment spaces
in our minds.
And then act 3. A part of the play that rarely has a hard
line delineation from act 2. But you're well aware when you are in it. The
sunset of the show, a time of reflection and resonance. When stories either
come full circle or come to an end.
For some reason I've become keenly aware that I am living
towards the end of act two in my life. It's a bit surreal to think about it
that way, but it doesn't make it any less true. Not discussing evolution or
finality in our lives Is pretty much the norm. Truthfully I've only ever really
found a handful of people who are comfortable discussing anything like this.
Most people would find it to be a dark turn and subject matter best left
ignored in the present. To the contrary, I have found that acknowledging that a
lot of time has passed by, has, with quite a bit of trepidation in my heart,
allowed me to be very aware of how precious the time is that we have. It's
allowed me to think about the things that I want to accomplish, and ask myself,
can I honestly still do or aspire to the things I thought about 25 years ago.
Both the coaching course and the therapy sessions that I
have had, led to me asking questions about what is going on around me, and what
do I really want to do with whatever time I have left. Even as I go back over
this blog post looking for typos, I'm really aware of the fact that the things
I write about, the things i think about, and the craving to change my art
output, are coming from someone who has changed More than I realized.
Some of this maybe a direct rejection of having been a
member of generation X, raised by television programming, pop culture icons,
and an overdeveloped exposure to an artificial presentation of history and an
overdose of nostalgia. Don't get me wrong. I very much still appreciate and
love so much of what made-up my childhood. The music, the toys, the cartoons,
everything that was in the 1980s and 1990s. But I was startled to realize that
there was almost a delusional haze of Evergreen mentality that came with those
two decades. Almost a mental fountain of youth.
And as much as I enjoyed growing up and being around so much
of what has defined who I am today, I wonder if it also hasn't stunted me to
some degree. This has been a topic of conversation among quite a few people
I've run across. Rarely at shows or in person, mainly online, specifically
youtube.
Though I don't know where exactly I want to be by the time this
whole crazy life of mine decides to end act 3. I do know that there are so many
things I have yet to experience and see.
Over the last few weeks, I gave myself a goal to start
opening myself up to saying yes to more things. Within reason. It's still very
much a work in progress, but I've asked myself questions, and now I need to
have the bravery to answer them honestly.
If you've seen any of my videos you know that I recently had
an opportunity to touch a sea anemone, a couple of Stingrays for the second
time, and coolest of all a sea cucumber. I also was able to walk around and
explore a Steamboat for the very first time. I got to see the world's first 3D
printed car in person. I grew cucumbers in my garden for the first time, and
just today ate part of one. And last but not least, after I put out some
squirrel feed, I sat at my window and watched the youngest squirrel that lives
in the tree out front calm down and nervously approach the little wooden couch
shaped squirrel feeder I have, and with all the caution in the world, it
started to eat.
In life we can often find ourselves focusing on the negative
things. And it makes sense when those things happen they can cause all sorts of
bad emotions to come pushing forward. I can tell you it does make a difference
when you take the time to acknowledge the moments no matter how small, that
bring a smile to your face or a feeling of calm to your mind. Regardless of any
picture or video the good moments are fleeting, but the memory and the moment
are irreplaceable and more valuable than words can say.
If you've made it this far on this blog entry thank you. I
promise, the rest of the ones I have planned will go back to my regular
scheduled programming of lighter subjects.
Expect two show updates this next month. The first one is
rapidly arriving it is a show being held by 1313 mockingbird lane toys at the
Granada, and the band galactic empires performing. Then later in the month I
have one of my two favorite shows, Free State comic con happening.
And to close this out in other news, I'm still actively posting videos to TikTok, and have made our gargantuan effort to reinvigorate my YouTube channel. I have managed to post content daily for almost two months solid now. Everything from video game play throughs, to part time lapses, to video journals, and a few other random videos I've always wanted to do. So if you have the time, I'd appreciate all of you to go and check out my channel and maybe even give it a follow.
Thank you so much for reading, I am Mario, the Artisan Rogue, and until next time, remember to support artists and local businesses. And if you liked what you've read, and want to support the blog, there's a donation button just below.
Be kind to your fellow beings and always take the path less traveled. We all may live in times uncertain, but kindness, understanding, and believing in the good that is in most each and every one of us is what can bring about better days!
Illustrator, Voice Actor, Writer, Animal Rights Activist
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