And the year already seems like it’s flying by.
This year didn’t start out like I thought it was going to. In fact, it has a feeling similar to this last year continuing.
For those of you that follow this blog, you’ve probably realized that I’m still missing a few entries from last year, and that I didn’t post it all in January or the first part of February.
I'll cut to the chase. Burn out is real. I have immense burn out.
It was brought on by a lot of things, but the point is that I am almost completely and utterly burned out.
It serious enough that it's been something I've spoken to my therapist about.
What does one do when burn out is the case?
In the movies, a character might out of the blue win the lottery, or maybe they've suddenly struck on an inheritance, or they cash in a seemingly endless savings account they've been holding onto for a rainy day.
But when one isn't in any of those positions, what can one do?
On a couple of other places in social media I’ve already mentioned that I didn't get accepted into NakaKon this year.
The more time goes on, the more I realize that this is all working out in a way that I had not expected.
I have been struggling to complete volume one of my latest graphic novel, a by product of the burn out.
I’m also on the downward slope of a combination of, and I kid you not, a bout of COVID-19, and either the flu or a case of bronchitis, that knocked me out of the productivity position for now two weeks.
I mean it seems like it's all reinforcement of the the decision I made shortly before the end of 2022, that this was not going to be a good year to attempt to do any shows, especially considering how bad last year went for me financially.
I want to preface what I'm about to write out with the fact that I'm not currently depressed, nor am I trying to have any sort of pity party. But I do feel that honest and open thoughts can hopefully help others.
I’ve barely been functioning, even on social media. Yes, in part because my voice is shot right now, and I can only go a few minutes without having a small coughing fit.
Some days seem aimless, even more because I'm not pressured now to prepare for shows.
The feeling of connection to wanting to either create videos, artwork, or practice any of my hobbies, is a very weak one.
Over the years through various jobs and during this last year especially, I had that feeling growing deep down inside. One that made me want to just put things to the side.
But it’s also been a lot of self reflection, critical, thinking, and moments of meditation and mindfulness.
Which thankfully has been a good thing.
I have found myself questioning what I want to do with the rest of my life. Was I ever happy on the paths that I have been following prior? Did I proceed down professional paths because I thought they were the right thing to do, or was it because it was what everyone else expected of me?
Honest questions that I think a lot of people never take the time to really ask of ourselves. I know I really don't. Not as much as I should.
All of that has been some extremely heavy weight to bear.
I had started the year with a small video journal project that I thought would help keep me proactive.
And it did. At first. I would cover my thoughts, and eventually my creative processes.
Losing my voice when I was sick absolutely wrecked the continuity the of that project.
Normally I would’ve been overwhelmed by a feeling of self defeat and would not have wanted to carry back on with it. But thankfully to the contrary, as soon as my voice recovers, I plan on jumping right back in but instead doing it on a weekly basis. The daily aspect was probably too ambitious to start with, but it was cathartic and very eye opening, so for that I am very grateful.
That’s very much how I’ve decided to address a lot of the circumstances I find myself in. I mean I got sick from the very first convention I attended this year.
I’m going to take it as a sign that I just really need to stay the hell away from shows this year. Never mind the fact that I have an overwhelming amount of things from freelance to my website, to all sorts of personal projects and organization efforts that seriously need real attention. It’s quite frankly why I haven’t finished the other three last blog posts from this last year. They just haven’t been that important.
And when I get this sick, I am keenly aware, as macabre as this sounds, of my life spent. It's a look at my own mortality, and what is really important in life.
I don’t know what form the rest of the blog posts are going to take this year.
I feel that I need to make a real deep dive into re-introducing people to the fact that I am a working artist. I’m not even joking.
I had a few real honest conversations with people last year that opened my eyes to a few things that I have never considered.
There were people that have no idea that I am an illustrator or graphic designer, really, a visual artist of any kind. There are people that know me for my spoken word performances, or poetry reads. There were other people that knew I did video production, and even some that had no idea what I do
Yet all last year I was fairly prolific on social media, showcasing everything that I created, art shows I was a part of.
It was a frustrating revelation to say the least.
I’m not sure why this is the case. But it is one that I am absolutely dealing with and it’s made me wonder if my own assumptions are the reason for this problem.
I rarely talk about my Etsy store, I don’t post many in progress, art images, or upload art videos to my YouTube channel as much as I used to. I also feel that because I’ve not released a comic or a graphic novel in sometime that people forget that this is something that I am working on .
It sounds like I’m throwing a little bit of a pity party, but I’m not.
I simply am trying to understand how I was able to spectacularly fail at 86% of my marketing and show efforts this last year. I know that there were variables outside of my own control, but I am unable to comprehend why my performance was so bad, unless I taken to consideration a few factors, that, after a year of blogging and talking to people, I have been able to extrapolate.
In no particular order, these are a few of the things I found:
- I rarely say anything I make is for sale.
- I always forget about price signage at shows
- I never talk about anywhere to purchase my artwork whether it’s online or at a location
- I take a long time to create books and art reproduction releases
- I don’t do a lot of fan art
- I may come off to some people as either egotistical or standoffish, as I’ve come to understand
There are a multitude of other things I’ve considered, but these are the most predominant ones.
Because of this, I’ve decided to really honestly take a look at who I am as a creator, as an artist, as a person. It made me ask questions that I was not comfortable answering at the time. Maybe it just seemed redundant since these are the same things I've had for years in my head.
So I hope you all bear with me as I begin to try some new things and expand upon other things this year. I am extremely grateful for any one and everyone of you that have ever given me back feedback, critiques, or praise for any of the things I do . It really means a lot more than you know.I know that’s a lot of odd or uncomfortable stuff for me to put out there, but I’m being honest. I simply want to be able to take a look at where I’m at now and where I’m headed for the rest of my life and I would love to be able to know that I did the best I possibly could as an artist.
Thank you so much for reading, I am Mario, the Artisan Rogue, and until next time, remember to support artists and local businesses. And if you liked what you've read, and want to support the blog, there's a donation button just below.
Be kind to your fellow beings and always take the path less traveled. We all may live in times uncertain, but kindness, understanding, and believing in the good that is in most each and every one of us is what can bring about better days!
Illustrator, Voice Actor, Writer, Animal Rights Activist
