Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Living, feeling immature, and learning not to worry.

Sleepytown USA, this is how a lot of the midwest feels these days.
Does anyone else wake up, and have one of your first thoughts be, what day it is? I mean, I'm working 3 jobs, and am pretty darn confused as to what day it is, even with that going on.

Feelings of all kinds.

Honestly though, having worked contract for so long, not a lot has changed in that regard for me. I think it's more that OTHER people not doing their routines has begun to mess up my mentality on all of this. For instance, traffic has been either somewhat busy, or like a set shot of the highways on the Walking Dead. "Social distancing" has either been done pretty well, or completely ignored. It makes for an odd set of circumstances for so many people. 

For some, you can see anxiety of all sorts play out across social media, or in new videos. Anger, frustration, calls for a "return to normal", whatever the hell that means. No doubt, on more serious inclinations, staying at home can be the worst thing to have to endure for reasons I won't go into here.

For others, it's either not a huge change, or a lot of relief, because societal pressures from gatherings, interactions, and face to face contact are the lowest they've been, really ever.

The one unifying factor in all of this seems to be division, sadly. Actually, one other factor is that nasty, fearful word of "change". If there has been a word that instills more varied reaction than that one, I don't know what it is.

What's my age again?

Something that is ever more prevalent in my day to day interactions, whether they be in person, or online, is that opinion, feelings, and emotion have consistently started to overwhelmingly be the foundation of conversation, passive interaction and reaction, and is replacing genuine conversation with waiting to simply respond.

It's made me more aware of my own arrested development, especially when it comes to dealing with people. I rarely am that serious about anything, and find humor in most things. Sure, everyone has their triggers, and taboo subjects. I get that. Personally, I will joke about anything except anything dealing with animals. For a long time, that made me think I was really messed up. 

If we can't find humor in our darkest moments, or in daily life, then are we living life right? I am saying that as someone that spent most of my youth picked on, made fun of, and at many times, isolated and lonely. Humor was the savior I had. I used self deprecating wit and offbeat observations to make it through life.

All that big slice of seriousness aside, I find myself wondering if I even have my shit together on a daily basis. 

We are living in a time, when we have the most gloriously insane idiot running our country. People are either super close minded, or quote, unquote, Woke As Fuck. It's an era of extremes. Corporate definitions of lifestyle, illusions of freedom, and self styled meme heavy revolutions authored by armchair rebels and keyboard warriors with canteens of mixed drinks. That includes me.

It's an epoch that will resonate for years, and later be known as the "Stupid Fuckers" period.

I feel immature, and question daily if anything I do, matters. Does it even register? Will it ever be remembered? Is it even WORTH anything?

Now before anyone starts to reach out and make sure I'm not about to start giving my stuff away and sign off from this aspect of reality called life, I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth, and I have my therapist's permission to say so.

Jump into the deep end

In no way can I figure out how to make things work out for myself without some overwhelming inundation of diversions and attention eating endeavors. It's like drinking myself into a better mood without the alcohol. It's like making an analogy that makes no sense.

My gardening efforts are minimal, but still a source of happiness on a weekly basis for me. I may not have boxes of soil overflowing with the promise of farmer's market level produce, but gottdammit, I do have a lot of green onions! 

Notice the Instagram worthy scissor pose, and saturated Green Day video color levels of this Jpeg.

The good thing is, in forcing me to both slow down and take in details of life, and begin to appreciate it more than before, I feel like I am seeing and experiencing, if not more, then the same things, but on a much more intimate level.
You haven't lived until you help a Jack Russell pick out birthday cookies.
Case in point, a tree in my backyard has for years grown, and I've tended to it, and watched it bloom and leaf, and slumber in the winter. This year, while filling my bird feeders, I let myself just sink into that moment. And as I stood there up close looking at the little blossoms on the tree, I noticed bees with pollen laden legs flying around. I spent forty minutes wandering around the edges of the tree and beneath it's filling canopy and took some video and pics of the little buzzy beings.
The tree only blooms for about 2 weeks, so I think I'd always missed out on seeing the bees.
My days have been variant, some like today, I spend working bit by bit on my business, currently prepping two custom toy commissions, finishing up a new digital illustration, working on this blog as I am now, to filming and editing various videos on my days where I can devote all the time I can to it. 

It's as all over the place as it sounds. If my professional life were a dance, it could best be labeled "seizure like" in it's rhythmic tap. If it were a song, it was composed on a violin with no strings, that is actually a tuba. 

That's a lot of verbage to say, even with the best laid plans, I am chaotically all over the fucking place with ALL of this.
Rainy weather has made making these take longer than I had expected. But I hate sunny days so...
And being completely honest, without a pattern, or normal rhythm from others around me, even just people in the grocery, it affects my mood. By most instances, I have always kept my distance, and rarely talk to people when I'm out and about. In fact the last person I spoke to, that I didn't know, was at Wal-mart, this little old lady saw me getting canned cat food off of the top shelf, and she asked me if I could help her out.

I spent the next 15 minutes walking around the store with her, getting other items off of high up shelves that she wasn't able to reach moments earlier. She had been looking for staff to help her, but they were all very occupied cleaning the front self checkout areas, and attempting to keep stocked items on shelves.
This was the 5th shot, meant to make this image look effortless and have a depth of field to maximize artsiness.
Working for the Nelson Atkins nightly, from Wednesday afternoon, through into early Sunday morning. Sunday evening, and all day Monday and Tuesday, I spend jumping back into doing everything else I need and want to accomplish. From cleaning the house, to filming videos, working on the new stream of freelance work, figuring out direction on personal projects, reaching out and keeping in touch with people, etc.
Work in progress shot of Gollum for my buddy Ben (who is one of two people that through messenger, has helped keep me sane and a productive member of society)

It isn't easy to do, and there are many times when I didn't get a completely restful sleep, or my mind won't even let me shut down to relax and drift off to slumberland. I'm actually going through that now, as I am editing this, over a series of days, all around the 2am to 5 am hours. 


I had more I wanted to add to this, but as I sit here on a Tuesday morning at 4am, I figure I need to cut this off like a frat guy at last call, trying to call an Uber so he can get his cheeseburger vibe on, and annoy someone working a drive thru.

YouTube is my sanity

BUT, if you feel so inclined and I've managed to keep your attention, I have been posting more video content to my YouTube channel.

These playthroughs aren't anything hardcore, in fact, they are sunspots of brilliance on my inability to be "a true hardcore gamer", whatever that is.

All this aside, I genuinely hope you all are doing well, and keeping sane, safe, and afloat. 

Keeping your head above water, trying not to drown, is always harder when our own temerity keeps pulling us down.

Until next time, remember to support artists and local businesses. Be kind to your fellow beings and always take the path less traveled. We all may live in times uncertain, but kindness, understanding, and believing in the good that is in most each and every one of us is what can bring about better days!

Mario, the Artisan Rogue
Illustrator, Voice Actor, Writer, Animal Rights Activist

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